Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Going Green

And you know what? Now that I'm thinking about things that offend li'l miss common sense to fainting, how's about this one?

Look, I'm not a smoker. In fact, I'm so not a smoker that when I hang out with my musician friends they know to go ahead and puff-puff-pass...pass-Marlon...puff-puff. But the stigma attached to the drug by those who have...what, hang-ups? See, though, that little word sounds so forgivingly mild, considering the harsh legal penalties our society levels against those millions of our neighbors who relax by smoking a naturally occurring, green-leafed plant...oh, wait. Not that one. That one's legal because it's safe.

No, I meant this other, dangerous, Vietnam-Vet-spitting-on, Baby Jesus-mocking, pro-free-love, anti-free-market horror house of criminal madness and immorality. Behold!

And yes, I realize that's a pro-legalization website, but finding unbiased voices on this issue in America is a little like finding a virgin in an abstinence-only campaign.

Actually, you know what? I feel qualified to submit myself as that voice. My credentials include: 1) having no vested interest in the area of study; 2) my years of observational experience living with and around the aromatic indigenes in their native habitat. After analyzing the wealth of available data, I can report that it is a very lethargic species, with a healthy appetite for fried cheese and Mexican take-out. Compare such a gentle lummox with his more aggressive cousin. And to think, the branches of that family tree differ by only a leaf.

But seriously, fuck those people who insist that Phelps has somehow sullied his extensive victories. Fuck them with the open end of an unwashed water bong. This is an athlete whose Olympic achievements have redefined the sport's possibilities. And, um...

Uh...

Hol' up, I just realized...you're trying to tell me that, because he smoked, Michael Phelps is now some kind of loser? Lord help me, maybe I've been overly hasty all these years! Perhaps, in failing to seize the many bowls of sticky dank that have been passed around me, I've also failed to seize the day! My god, I could have been an Olympian!

Maybe though...maybe it's not too late. Maybe there's still time...ah, here it is...

History books...pfffffft...here I come...

...

Update: Exactly.

Update (2): Ok, so maybe the guy is more likely down the road to leave his stones at the bottom of the local swimming hole, but considering the self-inflicted drubbing "normal" people (ahem, me, for instance) inflict on themselves, well, one can safely say the bud still barely holds a Bic lighter to the booze.

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